- In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.
- I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
- Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
- As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by "survival of the fittest."
- Children today know more about sex than I or my father did.
- Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.
- Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
- Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
- If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.
- My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own fatherhood, but it didn't because parenting can only be learned by people who have no children.
- No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.
- Nothing separates the generations more than music. By the time a child is eight or nine, he has developed a passion for his own music that is even stronger than his passions for procrastination and weird clothes.
- Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet.
- Poets have said that the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality. Immortality? Now that I have five children, my only hope is that they are all out of the house before I die.
- The essence of childhood, of course, is play, which my friends and I did endlessly on streets that we reluctantly shared with traffic.
- I am certainly not an authority on love because there are no authorities on love, just those who've had luck with it and those who haven't.
- Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.
- Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy.
- That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle the Vatican has overlooked.
- The heart of marriage is memories; and if the two of you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns, then your marriage is a gift from the gods.
- A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
- Advertising is the most fun you can have with your clothes on.
- Anyone can dabble, but once you've made that commitment, your blood has that particular thing in it, and it's very hard for people to stop you.
- Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.
- Gray hair is God's graffiti.
- Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.
- The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it.
- The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now.
- There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.
- There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.
- You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.
- When you become senile, you won't know it.
- The fact that I'm not trying to win converts bugs some people, but I don't think an entertainer can. I've never known any white bigot to pay a black man, unless the black man was being hung.
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